Sooo today’s post has been hard for me to write. Not because I’m nervous to share this with you all, but because I’m having a hard time expressing myself. I just don’t want it to sound like a “preachy, look at me I’m so great now, everything will be puppies and rainbows from here on out”, kind of post.
Since many of you may be new to my blog, I thought I’d just start form the beginning and give you a brief summary of my “eating/dieting journey.” Throughout my life (well, since I can remember), my weight has been something that makes me uncomfortable. I had incredibly low self-esteem and always put myself down, especially in middle school and most of high school. I never thought I was good enough, I thought people were my friend just because they were being nice and in the back of my mind I was waiting for them to leave me.
oh middle school…
My weight was a huge factor in this, and I always turned to food for comfort and often hid my eating from my family (we’re talking 6 pop-tarts in one day, on top of oreos, cheez-its, ect). I wore baggy clothes because I felt so uncomfortable in my skin. I probably spent half my life with my arms crossed over my stomach. Being so uncomfortable with my body, it’s no wonder that I developed this idea in my mind that maybe if I were skinny then I would be more confident, I would be more athletic, I would be more fun, I would be more attractive, I would be happier and my life would be “perfect.” I have gone up and down in weight since the beginning of high school, but no matter where I was I never thought I was good enough.
Finally, right before graduating college in 2010, I decided to try and finally take control of my weight. I was going to lose weight no matter what – so I counted calories. I first found My Fitness Pal back then and I did it’s recommendation, which was around 1,200 a day. But wouldn’t I lose weight faster if I only ate 1,000? What about 900? I bet I could eat less than yesterday!
My first year of law school was miserable. Not only was law school in itself difficult, but I wouldn’t allow myself to enjoy anything either. I was never good enough; I had to be perfect. I kept myself from making any close friends because I couldn’t control food in social situations and always had to be up early for the gym. I went out on some weekends because I knew that’s what I “should” do, but never let anyone get close or I might not be in control anymore (don’t get me wrong, I met some great people and had some good times, but I kept myself from truly connecting and enjoying life). Are you shocked that I developed serious anxiety?
The summer after my first year of law school I discovered Carrots N Cake and read Tina’s book. I realized just how much I was hurting myself with this mindset. I started to let go a little bit. I more than I had been, but I was still counting calories (although trying not to) and obsessively exercising.
Now I’m sure you’re wondering, didn’t you react to this restriction? Oh I did. At first it was few and far between, but binge eating became a very regular occurrence. Once I started marathon training, the weight really started to creep on. I’d restrict all day and then at night I’d lose it, bingeing on anything and everything I could find. I tried to reassure myself by saying “it’s all healthy food” but I was NOT listening to my body. I was starving myself and then eating until I was sick.
I talked to a few blog friends about my problem, and slowly but surely I started to dig deeper. This wasn’t about the weight, or how much I was eating. This was about loving myself. This was about believing in myself and believing that I am good enough. All those feelings that I had when I was younger? They were still in the back of my mind and it was time to tell that 12 year old girl that God made me and loves me exactly how I am, and that I should do the same. I needed to stop comparing myself to other people, start seeing all the great in myself, and start having confidence in who I am.
Although I have come a LONG way, I still have trouble with restricting/binge eating; it’s a very hard thing to let go of. Right now it’s less extreme, but it’s there and you know what? I am DONE. I am ready to stop the counting, stop looking at the clock and stop choosing what I “should” eat versus what I want to eat. I am ready to give up the control and give in. Guess what showed up right in time? Jamie’s Intuitive Eating Challenge.
Today is day one of the challenge and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ll be sharing more details about intuitive eating and the challenge soon, but I thought this post was getting looooong enough! I also could go on and on about each and every point I hit on in this post, but again, you all have lives to get back to.
There are so many things I could say I regret about the past three years – not making friends in law school, not talking to that guy because I was too scared of rejection, not enjoying the city because I was holed up in my apartment, the list goes on and on. But you know what? I can’t regret any of it, because it makes me who I am today. It makes me appreciate the good even more, appreciate everything that I’ve gained and will experience in the future.
nothing but xoxoxo as intuitive eating completely wholly and utterly changed my life.
love this post 🙂 I think intuitive eating is really challenging but it definitely changes the way you view food and limits restriction. You go girl! I bet you’ll do great!
Thanks, Chelcie!
I’m excited to hear it had such a good effect on you!
YAY!! I participated in Jamie’s February IE Challenge and know that you will love it and learn so much about yourself and the foods that you truly love. I can’t wait to read your upcoming posts about IE 🙂
Thanks, Becky! I’m really excited about the challenge!
Eating intuitively is something we try to do a better job at. Some days we do really well and we feel so proud of ourselves 🙂
I’m definitely hoping to do this day by day, that’s the easiest way to handle it!
What an amazing post!! My journey is actually scarily similar to yours! I found intuitive eating about a year and a half ago, and I can honestly say that it has changed my life. I read the “Intuitive Eating” book, and it was amazing. I can definitely say that intuitive eating has helped me learn to love and accept myself. GOOD LUCK!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 you’re such a strong, inspiring person! I’m definitely here if you want to talk more about the intuitive eating process, or anything at all! 🙂
Thank you so much, Kaitlyn! It’s surprising how many of us have dealt with similar issues and I love finding the support of everyone!
Looking forward to reading about your journey to IE 🙂
Thanks, Kierston!
I’ve heard a lot of people have had success with this program, so I hope it works out well for you!
Thank you, Sam, I’m excited to get started!
Thanks for being so open and sharing! It’s a topic many many people struggle with. Proud of you for taking control and starting the challenge. Good luck to you! 🙂
Thank you, Lauren! It’s not easy being so open but I always get great support
GO GIRL! I totally agree – those calorie counters can be dangerous! I too have been trying to eat intuitively and I find myself more free than ever. Good luck girl!
Thank you, Sarah, I appreciate it!
Thanks for sharing! This is an inspiring story and I’m so happy for you! It’s great that you’ve finally decided that enough is enough. Life is short, right?
EXACTLY – life is just too short for all this crap!
Love this post!! Hope you know you are not alone! Keep your head up sugar!
Thank you, Katy, I appreciate that!
I am so proud of you Katie! Not only do you want to let go of eating rules, but you also want to let go of the past. I struggled for years with calorie counting until I finally found my own version of IE. it really will change your entire life for the better! 🙂
Thank you, Jana! And I’m glad to hear you’ve succeeded with IE, it’s always encouraging!
You go girl! EXCELLENT post! I envy your bravery to talk so candidly about such a personal topic. You’re an amazing woman and I’m so proud to have you as a friend!
Awww thanks, Bailey! It’s hard writing these posts knowing my friends and family read it, but I know so many people benefit from being able to relate to my story. Thanks for being a great friend!
I can so relate to so many things in this post! Your blogs was one of the ones that inspired me to start blogging! and seeing you so far into recovery is helping me! So keep that in mind when you’re feeling down. That people are inspired by you 🙂
Awww thank you so much, Maureen, I love hearing that. The reason I write these posts are to help other people who can relate to my story. That’s really sweet of you to say!
Hi Katie. I have been following your blog for a little while, and I have admired your honesty with yourself and others. I am in the same exact position as you are. I swear I could have written this exact post! Last week I read Thingenius by Josie Spinardi and something just clicked. I just said to myself, I am done! I am three days into my intuitive eating journey. For breakfast today I had a bagel with biscoff spread, two former forbidden and binge foods. I LOVED every bite. We can do this!
Thank you, Jamie! And I’m SO glad to hear you’re doing this too, I love having other people going through the experience with me!
I have never commented here before, but I love your blog, and today I just HAD to write something. I lost 60 lbs myself on various diets in the last year, ending with a diet that alternated low day and high day calories. Well, in conjunction with that, I really started to step up my running (about 25 miles a week over three runs), and after a while, I could not stop myself from binge eating every few days. I knew that this couldn’t go on. On another website, the Intuitive Eating book was mentioned, so I got it immediately from the library. It has truly changed my way of life where “honoring my hunger” is concerned. My food anxiety is gone-completely gone for the first time in ages. I cannot recommend it more highly. Sorry for the long ramble. I really admire you, and I hope you find peace within yourself. And you’re right-God did make you very special.
Thank you so much for commenting, Lisa! I’m so glad to hear that intuitive eating has helped you out so much, I really appreciate you sharing your story because it inspires me so much!
When I first read the title of your post, I thought you were pulling an April Fool’s joke and saying that you were done with blogging, but I’m happy to hear that you’re giving diets, restriction, and rigid eating the boot instead 🙂 Intuitive eating is a hard as heck journey, but one that’s more than worth the trouble.
Haha I thought it might sound like an April Fools’s joke!
Yay for you KW!! I love you! And so does Bert and Boo! I’ve always envied your determination and self respect, and the ability to want to do something and actually DO it! You ARE so beautifully natural and naturally beautiful (hello perfect complexion, perfect curls and hair color, pretty blue eyes, and the ability to paint your nails and have it look professional (…yeah I wish I could!) Your post definitely inspired me to just relax and try and love myself more! Can’t wait to come visit you w Mary and you can show us your town!xoxoxox and ps let’s take a moment to recall our séance and how carefree and happy we felt then haha! We will have to cook up some boiled peanuts (and not burn them) and revisit our spirits lol.
MERE BEAR!!!! I L O V E you! Thank you for everything you said, this makes me miss you so much! I cannot WAIT for you and Mary to come visit. And omg, I will never forget our seance! I found those cards in my room in KC, we’ll have to re-create it, although with some better quality champagne this time… Oh Andre.
WE MUST BE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH!?!?!?!
I told myself this exact statment – I’M DONE – this morning coming out of the gym… I have noticed my binge eating got so much worse over spring break to the point of total “pig-fest” in the fridge! I was so upset with myself and coming out of recovery from Anorexia I do not want to now go to Bulimia. So I have decided I AM DONE as well to counting and restricting just to then feel guilty at night and feel like I must binge!!!
Thank you so much for your post and blog! I am so lucky to have stumbled upon it just a week ago!!!
I’m so glad to hear that you feel the same way, Morgan! And thank you for reading!!
awe babycakes i love this post! I’m SO happy you’re starting to feel more confident in your own skin and happier! It’s amazing how much better life is when you’re not constantly worrying about food/your body.
I love you and your sexy body and am so happy you’re happy!
Lol people are going to start thinking your my girlfriend if you keep talking about my sexy bod. Well, we want them to think that if Sal is reading… BAHAHAHAHA.
Wait, are you not my girlfriend? Are you trying to tell me something..?
We might have to break up… You living with a guy makes it hard on me…
I feel you on all of this. I’m sure we can swap a million stories. I love the idea behind this challenge and I’m sure it’s going to be great for you. Might have to try my own version.
Thanks, Ericka! And If you’re looking to try it out, several of my readers left comments with books they read about intuitive eating, those might be helpful!
We must be kindred spirits – I literally JUST had this conversation with my husband last weekend! I’ve been calorie counting every single bite and struggling with restricting/binging for over three years, and I am EXHAUSTED! I’m not using Fitday.com anymore, and I’m reading “Intuitive Eating.” It’s been tougher than I thought, but I know the freedom will be worth it. Thank you for opening up about this, Katie! I love your blog and wish you all the best on your intuitive eating journey!
I’m so glad you’ve come to the conclusion too, Lacey! Thank you and good luck on your journey as well!
Good luck with the IE challenge–it sounds like a great opportunity to help finally move past the things that are still tugging at you. And you are definitely not alone on this road, so hang in there. I think all the progress you’ve made already is amazing!! 🙂
Thank you, Michelle!
SO proud of you Katie!!! You’re amazing, and I am so happy for where you’ve come & how far you’ve come. You are an incredible daughter of God! Intuitive eating is an amazing thing, and I hope that the challenge will be a great resource for you. You ARE enough. You are Katie–be your own kind of amazing!!! 🙂 xoxoxo
Thank you, Annette! I really appreciate all your support!
I have been following your blog for quite some time now and have often shared in many of the same feelings you have experienced with your eating habits/relationship with food. I, too, have had a very long (over 20 years!) habit of restricting/binge eating and find evenings to be my worst times. Inevitably I wake up many mornings feeling horrible as a result of the previous night’s undoing…and thus, the cycle continues. As a fellow member of Jamie’s IE Challenge, I am also VERY excited to tackle this beast once and for all. I wish you all the best and am hopeful that there is a light at the end of this (very dark) tunnel!
I’m so glad you’re also doing the challenge, hopefully we’ll both make it through together!
I love the realness in this post and I think it’s amazing that you’re sharing it with others. I cannot wait to hear more about your journey and I’ll be rooting for you! 😀
Thank you, Cori!!
Wow, I could have written this post! That takes guts to spill it all out there, good for you! I’m still sort of a blogging newbie, but I am still blown away not only by all the stories like this one coming out right now, but how loving and supportive everyone is that comments. This is such an incredible community and the support one needs to find encouragement to be healthy. Good luck with IE!
Thanks Emily, and good luck with your blog!
Excellent post, Kaite! It takes a lot of courage to write what you did. And don’t ever forget that you are a gorgeous girl! Good luck with the IE Challenge.
Thank you! I really appreciate your kind comments!
Bring on the intuitive eating! I feel like this will help people both in quantities as well as what they eat. I know you have some intolerances to certain foods, so maybe this whole intuition thing will help you step back and be able to identify what’s causing you troubles sometimes. Best of luck! 🙂
Thank you! I’m definitely hoping that this will help with my intolerances, although it’s hard to honor my cravings while also keeping in mind what will and won’t upset my stomach!
Wow, I applaud you for writing this and being so open on your blog. Although your story is not all rainbows, I’m really glad you shared it.
I actually just signed up for a fitness challenge where I could pick to do focus on anything health/fitness related. I chose to count calories again. Not for the sake of losing weight, but for knowing what I’m eating. I have a big over-eating problem, and I often eat like all sweets. It’s been literally driving me crazy to count my calories though. It’s just so pointless and a big numbers game sometimes. I think it really messes with your head!
I’d be interested in an intuitive eating challenge at some point. Looking forward to hearing about that.
I think calorie counting can be helpful if 1) you have a LOT of weight to lose (i.e. Biggest Loser) or 2) if you do it for a few days to get an idea of how much you’re really eating. Doing it for prolonged periods can really mess with your head!
I’m so happy for you and how far you have come in accepting yourself. I have read some other bloggers post about eating intuitively and it seems like a great idea!
I also learned about the concept from other bloggers and I’m so glad I did!
I have also heard amazing things about Jamie’s challenge, and I think the way you are approaching this head on is amazing.
Thanks, Gina!
Being YOU gives you character. Great post… it really is all about learning to accept who you are and finding a balance between being happy and healthy.
Thank you!
This is a great post Katie. It was so brave of you and I really respect you for writing it.
Thanks, Em!
You go girl!!! I’m currently trying to find peace. Up until a few months ago I was like you used to be – terribly unhealthy. Then I was eating hardly nothing, also like you. Now I think I’m doing better, eating what I want and enjoying it! Food is fuel!
Thanks, Leigha! And I’m glad to hear you’re improving as well!
I just found your blog, but I feel like this post was a great introduction to you. It was really great to read about your journey. I love how you said “God made me and loves me exactly how I am, and that I should do the same”! So true!!
Thanks for reading, Sarah!
Thank you for sharing! I am at the same place as you are and it’s hard to finally make the decision to just be DONE with it all. Your story has inspired me and reminded me that there are other people out there with the same problems as I have had.
I was so uncomfortable with my weight from about age 10 on. I went on several weight loss attempts throughout high school and had a terrible self esteem leading to a variety of eating disorders. It has taken over 10 years of my life and I am now having to make the same decision as you are! TO BE DONE! Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to read today.
I’m glad I could help, it sounds like we’ve been through similar struggles!
I can’t wait to hear what you think! I did the challenge the past two month and it’s been awesome! Kinda scary at times, very liberating at times, challenging but so helpful!
I’m definitely scared, but ready for it!
Hi Katie,
I am SO excited to have you be part of the challenge this month. This post is beautiful– it takes a lot to be vulnerable and express yourself so honestly and with so much heart. I think the challenge is going to be a great experience for you and I can’t wait to hear how it goes for you step by step. i hope that by the end of it you feel way more liberated, relaxed about your relationship with food, and that you can go out and enjoy your life FULLY. Can’t wait!! Xo, Jamie
Thank you, Jamie! I’m already loving the challenge, especially the facebook group!
Amazing post! So much of what you said about developing anxiety and not going out or meeting friends because of gym time really hit me. I’ve had my own ups and downs with weight. This spring I also hope to develop a very intuitive mindset when it comes to food.
Thanks, Alexandra and good luck to you too!
Thanks for sharing all of that Katie, I can relate to so much of it! I hope the intuitive eating challenge helps you a lot. I’ve just done something similarish with my super conscious living experiment and its been amazing!
I’ve definitely been inspired by your own experiment, thanks, Laura!
[…] I get started today I just wanted to say THANK YOU for all of your supportive comments on yesterday’s post! I always get a little nervous posting things so personal, but I know many readers benefit from […]
So happy for you!! not actively counting calories is so freeing, along with letting go of food rules like the ones based on what time it is. Thanks for being so honest!
Thank you, Molly!
Thank you for the honesty Katie, I always appreciate when you talk about your struggles, because of course I can relate! So many people can as a matter of fact 🙂 Good luck with the challenge, I am psyched to see how this goes for you!
Thanks, Tessa!
I’m so glad you decided to join the challenge! I did the March group and honestly I can’t imagine my life without IE now. Looking back at how crazy I felt during my restricting/binging cycle, I KNOW this is exactly what I need. I feel more “in control” than ever, and I’m not even holding the reins. Can’t wait to hear more about your journey!
I’m so glad to hear that the challenge went so well for you, it’s very encouraging!
Amen Katie! So many of my food/control issues have affected my relationships (or lack of..) with other people and I’ve gotten so sick of it. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on IE!
Thanks, Linds!!!
When I read the title of this post, I thought that you going to say that you’re done with blogging — I was so sad! I’m so glad that you wrote this post, though :). Letting go of control/anxiety are issues I deal with on a daily basis, and it feels so good to just let go sometimes!
[…] I wanted to say, one more time, how much I loved your comments on Monday’s post. Seriously, you all rock. My favorite comments? The ones from people who don’t normally comment. […]
i’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, but i don’t think i’ve ever commented…so hi! 🙂 i felt compelled to comment because this post really resonated with me. my negative body issues started during my first year of grad school (i graduated last june with a degree in psychology). i also revolved my schedule around my eating/gym times, didn’t make close friends with the girls in my grad program, etc… looking back, i have regrets about this, but i think it’s also made me stronger as a person and hopefully i’ll be able to say “I’M DONE!” also. thank you for the encouragement! 🙂 xo
[…] – “I’m giving myself a high five for having the courage to put up a very personal post on Monday explaining why I’m doing Jamie’s Intuitive Eating Challenge AND for reintroducing […]
Beautiful post, Katie. Sorry it took me so long to read it, but I am so happy I finally sat down now to read it <3 Thank you for sharing and being so open <3
I am so blessed to have you in my life and call you one of my real life friends 🙂
I think of you so much and am so proud of you for what you're doing for yourself 🙂
You are determined and I can tell that you want to succeed. This IE challenge is going to be life changing for you and I've been loving your IG food pics with the #iechallenge tag already 🙂 They always make me smile 🙂
I love how you referred to God in this post <3 It brought tears to my eyes. It's so sad that we can be so awful to our young selves.
I had an eating disorder in grade 5 and 11. So young – it still breaks my heart, but yay us for working on our issues and becoming better people 🙂
Love you
Beautiful. Beautiful.
I just recently had to come to the “no more counting” conclusion, but I am still working on how to feed myself well during the day and not end up overdoing it at night. Running definitely makes it harder, especially as I tend to exercise in the afternoons during the week, making it hard to fuel post-run so that I dont end up waking up and night eating too much!!!
Good luck with your intuitive eating journey. I haven’t done the program, but I’m definitely working on lots of similar obstacles, with great success…and setbacks.
[…] Wednesday! Today’s WIAW has to do with the Intuitive Eating Challenge that I’m doing with Jamie and several other participants. Our challenge on Tuesday was to stop […]
[…] most of you know, on April 1st I started Jamie’s Intuitive Eating Challenge. I explained my dieting/eating history and why I wanted to join the challenge. After spending years stuck in various degrees of a restriction/bingeing cycle, I forgot what it […]
[…] wrote about my dieting and eating journey at the beginning of the challenge (which you can read here), but to sum it up I’ve been struggling with my weight and self-image since sometime around the […]
[…] I’m Done – why I did the challenge […]
[…] 3. I’m Done […]
I’ve been a long time reader but just came across this post! We have SUCH similar stories…not living our college lives out to the fullest, restricting and bingeing, developing major anxiety… and it all coming down to one thing, self love. I have come a LONG way in the past year in regards to my relationship with food, but I still have a very long way to go. I plan to make self love my mantra in 2014 and remember I am worthy no matter what. I can’t wait to look back on my life this time next year and be able to say that an eating disorder is something that made me stronger, but it is part of my past and NOT my present. Have an awesome new years and remember that there are so many of us going through the same thing 🙂
Thank you, Paige! I appreciate hearing from people who are going through the same thing. I hope we both can grow and move forward in the new year!